I’ve been writing a lot about Tesla lately. It’s not just because I drove one. I’m trying to find a reason to buy one. The cheapest new Tesla S you can build is $76k before sales taxes or tax incentives. So that’s still about $76k all said and done.

Now add the options on my list, Premium Upgrade, Enhanced Autopilot and Full Self Driving adds another $12k. And what’s a luxury car without leather and a sunroof. Add another $6k to the price tag. All in for $88k or lease for $1200 a month for a 1000 mile a month limit. That’s a $1.20 a mile before insurance, washes, electricity, tires.  And don’t forget repairs or parking lot dings. Maybe Tesla needs to invent a force field so you don’t stress at the grocery store.

You could take an Uber everywhere for less. And Uber includes a driver. Actually Uber is so cheap in most places that I’m not sure there is a reason to own a car anymore. Once you add up all your expenses to operate a car I seriously doubt Uber drivers are making the minimum wage for servers let alone $10 an hour.

Speaking of Uber. If you have never used Uber. Use the code Z4JRI for $20 off your first ride.

If you are  like me and  have never used Lyft. Use the code DOGFOOD and get up to $20 off your first ride.

I have to confess. Just like most people logic is the last thing I think of when I test drive or shop for a car. We buy cars using our emotion. If not we would all be driving the modern equivalent of the Amish horse and buggy. So let me tell you about my emotional experience at the Tesla Store. Notice I didn’t say dealer.

If you are like most people you hate going to the car dealer to buy a car. Buying a car is more like the death of a thousand cuts. The sales person, the sales manager, the back and forth and psychological games they play. And just when you think it’s over the guy doing the paperwork is another gauntlet of horrors before you can get out the door. And like Richard Gere in First Knight, no matter how hard you train or prepare you might feel like you won in that final moment but in the end you lost. The dealer always wins.

Unlike the car dealer the Tesla Store is completely different. Like the Apple Store it is best to make an appointment online to be sure they have a “co-pilot” who can take you out for a drive. They don’t have tens of people sitting around waiting to make a commission like a car dealership.

The day prior to your scheduled appointment a person will call and ask you if you have any questions they can answer or if you have a trade in. I’m not sure how the trade would work as I didn’t have one nor did I plan on walking out with a new car on my test drive. If you have done that please leave a comment below on how that worked.

Probably, like most Tesla buyers I already know quite a bit about the car and the company. Did I say they aren’t trying to sell you a car. Just kidding. They are just doing it in a subtle non threatening way. His/her real job is to ask you questions, so when you get in the store they are’t wasting time playing the get to know you bonding game.

What I didn’t know is that most Tesla buyers have never spent more than $40k on a car before. Most people aren’t buying this car for status or to show the neighbors how rich they are or want you to think they are. Many just want a Tesla. It’s just that cool, technology wise. It’s not plush or refined by any stretch. It’s more IKEA than Ethan Allen. It’s the symbolic equal of getting a tattoo for many. They don’t care what you think. They just have to have it. Although I doubt there are college students going without Mac n Cheese so they can afford one.

On to the Test Drive.

I grab my lab rat, sorry. My 13 year old, 6 foot 2 inch son. We jump in my plebeian Mazda 6. Not really. It’s a really nice $24k car with plenty of neat safety options, just not the really cool ones Tesla has, and drive the 15 minutes to the really nice Tesla Showroom/Delivery/Service Center in Tempe, A.Z.

We find a place to park, not an easy task, with very few open tiny spaces (by design) and go inside. We are greeted by a young man (definitely not your average car salesman) who checks us in and tells us our co-pilot is getting our car ready.

Out walks Emily. Also not your average car sales person. She could just as easily have been a lawyer or a barista at Starbucks or young dudes sister. She was far to good looking to be his girlfriend. She introduces herself and we proceed outside to our ride de jour.

Less than 4 days later as I write this I can’t tell you what color the car was or what color interior it had. Only that the headliner was drab and it had no grab handles over the doors. The red P90D in the showroom was far more memorable.

As we approach the car and she opens the driver door and says “hey you, get in to my car”. And I say, “who me”? Just kidding Billy Ocean fans. She does open the door and ask me to get into the car and set the seat and mirrors.

Being it’s in a narrow space and I’m not a tiny guy I ask her if we can see it drive itself out of the space. Summon Mode. With a touch of the cute car shaped key fob it pulls itself out of the space. There is also an app for that.

We all pile into the car. Emily on the passenger side front seat and my son in back in the seat behind me. If a taller than 6 footer can sit comfortably behind another 6 footer then the leg room is adequate or better. Also the back seat headroom of most cars is not designed for people over 6 feet tall. They just figure the kids are going in back. Before I forget. The car turns itself on as you approach. It even extends to hidden door handles for you.

Now to be fair I have already driven a Tesla S P90D before. It belongs to a friend. But, I only did the usual 0 – 60 crazy type driving in an industrial area on a weekend where it was deserted. We didn’t drive on the highway or in city traffic. That’s what this test drive was all about. Using the autopilot function in traffic on the highway and in the city.

So out we go from the parking lot and down the 2 blocks to get on to the expressway. It’s about 1PM on a weekday. A good amount of traffic but not rush hour. Maybe we were cruising along at 55 – 65. On goes the autopilot. The car does a really good job of holding the center lane and keeping a safe distance from the car ahead of you.

It’s blind spot monitoring is a bit odd if you are used to most other cars. It does not have an indicator on the side mirrors or give you an audible warning if you put on your turn signal.

The small OLED screen in front of you has a little sonar type indication if there is a car next to you. You can also see cars sneaking up on you on the big center display with the rear camera on.

If you put on the turn signal with autopilot and there is a car in the blind spot, or to your side it will not go. But if the area doesn’t clear in a set amount of time it will just cancel the lane change. It won’t change lanes when it’s clear. It requires that you pay attention and don’t put the lane change indicator on till you have determined that the area is clear. Then it will make the change for you. It also requires that once you change lanes you turn off the blinker. It will also only change one lane per indication. If you need to cross three lanes of traffic to exit an expressway it won’t do that in one blinker command. Still it is by far the best adaptive cruise control that I have ever used. No hands and no feet required. Well, actually you do get asked to place your hands on the wheel every so often. Probably to make sure you’re not sleeping.

Next off the expressway and into city traffic. Here the lane holding ability is not that great. It needs a supply of unending lane lines to know where it is. Curbs on the right or left and it can’t stay centered. Another place even if you are in a center lane where you have lines on either side is crossing an intersection. No lines on either side there. In these places you will need to steer the car yourself. But it does go from zero to the speed limit and back again very well. And if you you have a car in front of you it will play follow the leader for speed and distance. Including coming to a full stop and starting back up when the car in front starts moving.

If you are the first car at an intersection it won’t stop for a red light or go on a green light. Maybe one day but not yet. I wonder if when that happens it will know to move out of the way of an emergency vehicle? Elon?

This is where I noticed that the car didn’t have grab handles over the doors. Really Elon. That’s as bad as having left out the reading lights in earlier versions. Maybe in the next version instead of worrying about bioweapon level air handling or fancy doors you can add them. Cup holders? It now has cupholders. Weird ones. It might require some sit time in one trying to see if I like them or not.

Now it’s time to get back on the highway. We need a entrance ramp to test out that Tesla acceleration. We did use the software hack to dumb the acceleration rate down from the P90D to that of the base Model 75, as I said earlier I have already done the 0 to 60 in 3 seconds thing. It’s not required by a normal, sane person who uses logic to buy a car. To spend an extra $10-15k for something you will barely ever use or piss most everyone else off on the road when you do. The Spock in me says no. Even though Kirk always got the women. Actually most women aren’t turned on by guys in cool cars. Men are. Just ask Doug Demuro.

I can say that 0 to 65 in the Base Model 75 is plenty of speed getting on the expressway or having to pass most any common car.

The Tesla also drives very nicely. It handles as well or better than my Mazda 6 or a BMW and drives nothing like my Prius V. The Prius V has about as much soul a a washing machine. The Tesla is quiet. You can have a conversation and never have to raise your voice. I have no doubt the Tesla will save the lives of many pedestrians from their texting, talking, twittering, web surfing drivers. It might also save the lives of Tesla drivers from  texting, talking, twittering, web surfing drivers that aren’t driving a Tesla.

It’s now time to exit the expressway and back to the showroom. The transition for autopilot to human and back is pretty unobtrusive. My son has enjoyed the half hour or so ride in the back seat spending part of his time texting, taking pictures and filming some of the drive.

We enter the parking lot where the spaces are tight and the lanes are narrow. And earlier I did say this is by design. It’s to show off another Tesla technology. Self parking. You pull just past the space where you want to park, very close to the side of the car. You put the car in reverse and tap the touch screen and the car will park itself. Magic. Only one problem. Again my fat ass doesn’t want to shimmy out the door between two parked cars. Easily solved. Pull forward and get out. Rub the key fob in just the right way and presto change-o, the car parks itself. Walk away and it shuts itself off and locks the doors. Did I say there is an app for that? It will even pre-heat or pre-cool the car before you get there.

Back inside Emily asks if I were to buy the car today what would i like in my perfect Tesla? We then go to the computer and see if there is anything currently in stock. And just like any other car dealer she is more  than helpful showing me what they have and should I plan on buying, today would be a good day. Or if not today before the end of the month as there are certain specials and incentives ending shortly.

The big difference is they don’t hold you or your keys hostage. And I don’t think they offered me a bottle of water 20 different times. And she offered to email me if a car like the one that I really want happens to be built or shows up in the system for sale. I doubt it will as most of the demo cars they build are near the upper end of the price scale. They are also the ones with the bigger incentives off list price.

Also I wonder if paying $100k for a car that spartan compared to a Porsche Panamera E-hybrid, within a few thousand dollars is a better emotional decision. The Porsche is like having  First Class seats in the cockpit of a Boeing 757 with the performance to match. The Tesla is like sitting in the cockpit of a Airbus 320. Including all the auto safety features and whiz bang electronics. Did I mention I fly an Airbus for a living?

After driving the Tesla we proceeded directly to the Chevrolet Dealer to look at a Bolt. To read that review Click Here.

I would definitely wait for a Tesla 3 before I bought a Bolt

And after that we went over to the Porsche dealer to look at a Panamera. That review has yet to be written.

My son, like most people who bought an EV this year are squarely in the Tesla camp. So far this year, the Tesla S has outsold the Panamera E almost 1000 to 1. Maybe that is why Porsche and almost every other luxury car maker is coming out with an electric car.

I am now going to list the pros of buying a Tesla.

Cutting edge technology that is updated often by incremental software advances without having to buy the newest model.

Contemporary styling.

Kids dig them. They aren’t hung up on horsepower and the growl of a gasoline engine. They don’t like the smell of napalm in the morning or fuel in the cabin.

Cons:

Cost. There are a lot of other things you can do with $1200 dollars a month for 3 years or more. Get 15 one hour massages a month. Buy a timeshare in Hawaii and spend a week a month there.

You could also buy a LG OLED Big Screen TV and watch a lot of youporn for just 3 months payments.

Now that will let me add one more pro I did not think of before. The Tesla comes standard with 3G LTE and that huge touchscreen in the center. You could watch youporn while letting the car drive you around during your commute everyday. Yes, it will allow the driver full access to anything while it’s driving.

So the next time you see a Red Tesla S driving in the HOV lane on I-10 in Phoenix with limo tint, now you know what the driver is doing inside. No wonder why the Tesla is such a popular car. We all know the internet was invented so people could get free porn. Now we know why the Tesla was invented. So we could watch porn on a big screen while driving to work. I finally found the only reason you can use to really justify spending six figures on a car. Porn.